Mother Dearest

Where were you Mother Dearest
When I was just sixteen?
As they stole my baby from me
Your first grandchild - it would seem.
Why could you not have helped me
To ease my aching pain?
Instead you chose to care more
About what your friends might say.

And why could you not remember
When my sister first gave birth,
You said "At last! My first grandchild"
....and that just made it worse.

Why wasn't my son good enough
For all the world to see?
I hope you never feel the pain
You've inflicted so on me.

And now that I have found him,
You did care - so you say.
But I'm sorry Mother Dearest
Life doesn't work that way.
You see he doesn't want to meet me,
....so we may never know
The child you let them take from me
....so very long ago.

oooOOOooo

The Pillow

They shoved a pillow in my face
To shield you from my view.
They didn't seem to realise
That nothing they would do
Could ever ease the pain I'd feel
In ever losing you.

A lifetime's passed!
They've lied to me!
They promised I'd forget.
But as I lie awake at night
A victim of their theft
There's no-one I can turn to
To help me in my plight.
Except another pillow
I weep into every night.

oooOOOooo

A Little More Time

I've been trying to forget you
I think I'm doing well so far.
I've devised a way of getting by
Not knowing where you are.

You see, as you were born they took you.
They didn't understand
How I'd bought you toys, and clothes to wear.
You were my little man.

And they didn't even seem to realise
Because I was so young
That I could love you longer
Than your new found dad and mum.

They just took you - like a puppy
And found you a new life.
And said I could replace you -
When I became a wife.

Yes they even promised I'd forget you
And I'm learning not to cry.
I've never held a baby.
I dare not even try.

I don't see children near me,
My nephews don't exist.
I cannot look into their eyes
I'd remember what I've missed.
And when my arms ache to hold you,
And constantly they do.
I pretend you are still with me
And you are just at school.

And when friends of mine have babies
Our friendships gone for good.
And perhaps if I don't marry
No-one can say I should replace you
...with another child,
It's not something that I could.

Now its twenty three years later
And it seems they might have lied.
So if I can't forget you
No-one can say I haven't tried.

oooOOOooo

In Dreams

He's back with me
Where he belongs
My heart is filled with joy.
For seven and twenty years I've lived
Without my baby boy.

He comes to me in dead of night
With smiling face he beams.
I hold him close
To let him know
He's safe here
...in my dreams.

oooOOOooo

Why?

What have they done to you my son?
What life have you been through?
To fill your head with shame and dread,
They did this to you.

The love they gave had strings attached.
So selfish and impure
Pretend you are their son ...or else!
They did this to you.

Why did they lie to you my son,
To make you feel so small?
To say I never wanted you -
Abandoned you and all.

To make you fear your mothers love -
The one who gave you life.
The terror I impart in you
Just cuts me like a knife.

Afraid to meet the mother
Who'll free you with the truth.
Who loves you more than life itself
How could they do this to you?

Perhaps a day will come my son,
When you stand proud and tall,
And realise - conditional love
Is just not love at all.

oooOOOooo

A Life of GoodByes

It's a word I’m finding hard to say
Though I do try to every day
It's what I’ve had to live with
As it never went away.

I never got to say "hello"
When I became a Mum
And didn't get to say "goodbye"
When we stopped being One.

Although I've practised every morning
And then again at night
And practised in all different ways
I still can't get it right.

I still cannot believe you're gone
And I'm not here with you
So if I cannot get it right
Perhaps it wont be true.

Perhaps-If i don't try so hard
And then again- just maybe
I'll avoid the deepest cut of all
In having to say "Goodbye to my baby"

oooOOOooo

Satan's Agents

Where were you God
When my soul bled?
You looked away you
Turned your head
As Satan laughed
And sent his agents
to steal my child
The gift You gave to me.

Your gift was mine!
I was my child's mother!
Was he really meant for
someone other?
I ask you God for what it's worth
Was my crime so great in giving birth
That I am forced to live in hell on earth?
If you're really there then
ANSWER ME! !

And tell me what your wrath will be
If this was not your......
Master Plan

Then God forgive them.....
If you can!

Contributed by Dian Welfare
oooOOOooo

For The Best

It's for the best
To let go of your baby
You are too young
to know of such things.
Only I know, as a Mother
should know
That Motherhood and Mothering
is not for the likes of you.

Give it up and let it go
To a home much more
Loving and capable.
A married couple who'll
take care of all of its needs
fostering forever.

What would a young girl like you know
You aren't even old enough to vote.
Mothering comes with age you know
I'm your mother and I should know.
That it's all for the best
And no-one but no-one
Shall know.

With kind permission Jan Hill 1991

oooOOOooo

Racheal
(Tracy)

I couldn't watch you as you grew from baby into child.
I never held you to my breast, or held you as you smiled.
Nor changed your tiny diapers, and wiped your little bum,
Others took away my right to ever be your mum.
But let me tell you darling, although we never met,
I loved you with a vengeance, and still I love you yet.

To just have held you once my love, would maybe make it right,
Then maybe I'd stop thinking of you morning, noon and night.
To touch your downy little head, and count those tiny toes,
To whisper in your shell like ear, and kiss your button nose.
Would somehow fill the emptiness and loss I feel inside,
Perhaps erase the aching, and all the nights I cried.

I'm wondering who's hugging you, puts band-aids on your knees
Who's teaching you your manners, the thank you's and the please?
Who's watching your first footy game (that's if you are a boy)?
Or sitting in your ballet class filled with pride and joy?
Are you brave when you fall down, or do you scream and shout?
Do you sleep with a night light, or insist they turn it out?
Have you got a dolly, or perhaps a ragged bear?
Do they tell you about me, or don't they really care?

The answers to these questions, are coming hard and fast
Because my precious daughter, I've discovered you at last.
Not within a family, as you were meant to be,
Not with a loving mummy, or on a daddy's knee,
With a grandma or a grandpa, a sister, maybe brothers,
No, that kind of happy life was only meant for others.

You were in an institution from the time that you were born.
You never had a family, no-one to care at all.
A group of perfect strangers said that you were not quite right,
`Not fit for adoption", so they hid you out of sight.
Who knows the life you've suffered, the childhood that you've had
The memories you harbour, of the good times and the bad.

These things we'll never know, because you cannot speak,
Your eyes are filled with knowing, but communication's weak.
Your gentle voice says `yes' and `no', `tea' and `go away'
And a brand new word you learned to say just the other day.
You looked at me with big brown eyes (you always knew I'd come)
Reached out a hand and touched my tears,
And softly whispered - `Mum'.

Racheal's mother and her aunty Sue had spent the following ten years contacting the adoption agency asking for information about the child and if they could have the child back if the adoption placement broke down, only to be constantly told the child was happy and successfully adopted.

oooOOOooo

Email:   Lily